No Regrets
October 2023. A tumultuous month that will be forever engraved into my memory. It'd become the impetus for writing To Philosophize is to Learn to Die and the infancy of pondering what life would look like if I stepped into a caregiver role. Albeit, one that was much less demanding. You see, my caregiving journey didn't start the day I resigned from Verily, it actually started on October 8, 2023, when I skipped my flight from MCO to BWI and rented a car to Tampa to temporarily alleviate the burden of caregiving that my sister has played for so many years.
In this blog, I'd like to dive a bit deeper into my thought process leading up to my resignation, but also how I, in many ways, want to selfishly live a life with no regrets.
2 AM Thoughts
I still remember it like it was yesterday. It was 2 AM and I was sitting at the end of my sister's dining room table. I had just arrived in Tampa two days prior to help out with logistics and coordination for our grandma as she was in and out of multiple care facilities. I've always known that care transitions were one of the most dangerous times for a patient, but to actually observe it firsthand for a loved one, is devastating. My brother-in-law was up late and had come out to the dining room to grab a snack when he asked what I was doing. Of course, I was doing what I usually do: working. I had a very challenging project I needed to complete that week or I'd become a significant barrier otherwise. In that moment, I looked up at my brother-in-law and said:
I really wish I had the time and resources to help out more.
As a big fan of the financially independent, retire early (FIRE) movement - not to be confused with fast healthcare interoperability resources (FHIR) since I often talk about both - the idea of prioritizing the things that matter the most in life and having the financial means to make it a reality was extremely enticing. That night would go on to plant a seed in my mind that'd be continuously nurtured every time I visited grandma.
Part-time is not an option
I live in Virginia and my grandma lived with my sister in Florida. It was challenging to meaningfully contribute to any caregiving efforts, and to be honest, really understand the difficulties of caring for someone when you only see a small fraction of the day-to-day. But also, out of sight out of mind. I tried, I really did. I flew back every month to help and scheduled as many of her appointments together as I could in hopes of relieving my sister from the long hours she'd spend commuting. Appointments were challenging as they often occurred during weekdays and some, especially unexpected emergency visits, would run late into the evening. It burned a lot of PTO.
The thing is, despite my efforts, it was evident that a few days every month was simply not enough. Her health didn't improve. Rather, it worsened. I attribute a lot of her deterioration to her transition into a nursing home in early 2024 after an extended few months of transitioning between home, multiple hospitals, and rehab facilities.
My 2 AM thoughts crept up often during this time. I wasn't entirely sure what the best course of action was, but knew that helping out part-time is not a viable solution.
No regrets
Sometime in the middle of 2024, as my grandma's health continued to deteriorate, I came across a video from Chris Punsalan on Twitter that showed me what full-time caregiving could look like. The video below isn't the exact video I watched, nor was it the only one. I watched a series of them that began to ease me into the idea of full-time caretaking.
It wasn't the only influence though. There were many. Some from friends, some from family, and some from complete strangers. Some very recent, some from many years ago. Out of respect and privacy for them, I won't name names, but they know who they are.
Toward the end of 2024, I often wondered what my Odyssey Plan looked like, especially after my big pivot into tech and realizing all the sacrifices I was making. Detailed heavily in an article I wrote back in 2022, I failed filial piety, just four months into my new role. Some of the other paths included:
Taking a sabbatical to pursue a full-time masters in computer science
Selling everything to travel around the world for a year
Starting a family
Starting my own company
As I thought about the various paths, coupled with some personal events that transpired with grandma at the end of February 2025, the path for me was made quite clear.